10-6-15
cover work
The sound of boys playing pat ball echoed through my brain, i found the sound irritating yet soothing. i watched the crowd of boys run towards the lunch hall i looked around me and saw all my ‘friends’ gathering. There was silence, then they all laughed psychotically, holding there stomachs,whacking each other and objects around them to emphasize how funny the joke was. i on the other hand didn’t even hear joke but still found my self laughing,not because i didn’t want to be left out but because i found their grotesque laughs quite amusing. i hadn’t been feeling my self recently, i found my self drifting from people who i thought would stay by my side and began pairing with people i once never knew. i looked across the play ground which was quite packed and noticed that it was very segregated.you had the whites by the gates,the blacks on the bench by the mobiles and the people considered geeks by the water fountain. however here and there you would find the odd Latino ,sitting on the bench was confirmation that you was one of the cool kids. i always sat on the end,i was the guy with the gossip, the guy with the banter, i was ‘the guy’.
however recently i didn’t enjoy sitting on the bench, i didn’t fit the standards anymore i didn’t enjoy mocking people,play fighting,’bantering’ to be honest i enjoyed silence. i became distanced my self from the bench and everyone who sat around it however it didn’t go unnoticed, people began asking questions like whats wrong with you? why you so anti social?
i felt like i needed a break from everyone and everything was it wrong?
June 11, 2015 at 4:35 pm
Kyro, this is an interesting concept for a transformation story. I am intrigued to see how it will play out. Some things to think about:
1) Can you correct your spelling and punctuation? Have a think about our work on clauses and where you might need to punctuate.
2) Could you draw out the symbolism of the bench a little more? Why do people sit there? What makes it the centre of the social playground? Could you spend a little more time describing the physical appearance?
3) Could you try to build up more tension before a sudden shift occurs? In Metamorphosis it is unexplained and without warning. See if you can achieve this shock in your story.
June 11, 2015 at 5:54 pm
I agree, I’d love it if there was more description of the playground and the bench. I think this story develops a real sense of anticipation that something is changing. It also has a strong sense of realism which I really enjoy. There’s a confidence in the viewpoint that I enjoy.
June 17, 2015 at 5:05 pm
Kyro, this piece of writing is really developing nicely.
Before you add anything more to it, could you alter the following:
1) You need to sort out the examples of ‘text speak’ within your writing. Don’t use language such as ‘U’ and capitalise ‘i’.
2) At times your tense drifts between past, present and future. Try to ensure you stick to one tense unless your character is thinking about what is going to happen.